In the world of relationships, we often focus on the “big” events—the anniversaries, the vacations, or the intense arguments that seem to define a crisis. However, as a clinical counselor, I have found that the longevity and health of a relationship aren’t usually determined by grand gestures, but by the thousands of tiny, invisible moments that occur every single day.
One of the most powerful concepts I use with couples at One Step Closer Psychology comes from the Gottman Method: the concept of “Turning Toward.”
What Does It Mean to ‘Turn Toward’?
Every day, your partner makes what we call “bids” for connection. A bid can be anything: a sigh, a joke, a comment about the weather, a request for help, or a gentle touch. It is a subtle invitation for you to engage with them.
When your partner makes a bid, you have three choices:
- Turning Toward: You acknowledge the bid, respond positively, and engage. You show your partner that they are seen and heard.
- Turning Away: You ignore the bid or act as if you didn’t hear it.
- Turning Against: You respond with irritation, sarcasm, or hostility.
Why Small ‘Bids’ Have a Big Impact
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that couples who stay happily married are those who “turn toward” their partner’s bids for connection at least 86% of the time. Conversely, those who eventually drift apart or break up turned toward their partner’s bids only 33% of the time.
When you consistently turn toward your partner, you are building an “emotional bank account.” You are depositing trust, intimacy, and safety. In turn, when you inevitably face a major disagreement, your “bank account” is robust enough to help you navigate the conflict without tearing the relationship apart.
3 Practical Ways to Start ‘Turning Toward’ Today
You don’t need a weekend retreat or a massive breakthrough to start building a stronger connection. You can start today with these simple steps:
- Practice Active Acknowledgement: When your partner makes a comment, even if it seems trivial, put down your phone or look away from your screen. Offer a simple, verbal acknowledgment: “I hear you,” or “Tell me more about that.”
- Identify Your Partner’s Unique Bids: Pay attention to how your partner asks for attention. Does your partner like deep conversation? Maybe their bid is a question about your day. Do they prefer physical touch? Maybe a squeeze on the shoulder is their primary way of saying, “I’m here.”
- The 5-Minute Daily Check-in: Spend just five minutes a day asking your partner about their stressors or joys outside of the relationship. By actively listening, you are turning toward them and confirming that their world matters to you.
Strengthening Your Relationship Foundation
Marriage, much like life, requires the mindset of an engineer. You aren’t just letting things happen; you are designing the structures—the daily habits and micro-interactions—that support a healthy, lasting connection.
If you find that your relationship has been stuck in a cycle of “turning away” or “turning against,” know that you can re-engineer these patterns. It is never too late to start filling your emotional bank account.